Come As You Are
by kurtcobain4eva
Summary: Sirius' traumatic life before and during Hogwarts, includes child abuse, substance abuse & hints of rape. reviews are appreciated, Nirvana rule! Peace, Love, Empathy.
1. I'm So Tired

Come As You Are 

Sirius awoke with a start; he hurt all over and had bruises on top of bruises. He heaved himself off the cold, stone kitchen floor and glanced at his reflection in the mirror. His clothes were in tatters and soaked in his blood, suddenly a spasm of pain wracked his body, "fuck" he swore, "I need smack." He then proceeded to take a needle from his pocket and inject a large amount of heroin into a vein on his arm. The effect was instantaneous, he forgot about the pain he was in and visibly relaxed as a warm surge flowed through his body.

Hours later he was awoken by someone prodding his side, "go away" he murmured, slowly rolling onto his side, however as soon as he did this he regretted it, he was still covered in bruises from the beating he had received earlier that day or was it yesterday? It could have been weeks ago for all he knew, he definitely wouldn't put it past his family to leave him lying on the kitchen floor for that long. He opened his eyes groggily and as they focused found himself staring into the eyes of Kreacher, the families house elf. "Fuck off you bloody elf" he croaked before a coughing fit racked his body, he really should stop smoking, both tobacco and smack. He slowly opened and closed his eyes, the bloody elf was still there, "I said fuck off" he growled.

"But sir, Kreacher can't, Kreacher must clean up the mess you've made of the Noble and most Ancient House of Black, you ungrateful little maggot." The elf replied, scathingly. Sirius looked around, the kitchen certainly was a mess, blood was splattered up the walls and vomit lay in puddles on the floor, he, himself, was lying in a mixture of vomit, blood, urine and semen. "Semen? What the?" he muttered, before remembering what had happened earlier. "Oh fuck, he didn't, not again, oh shite, oh shite, oh shite." Sirius repeated to himself over and over again. "I need to get out, I can't do this anymore, can't pretend, Magic damn Merlin fucking wizard almighty, is there anyone out there? Ah, shit, shit, pleaseÉhelp me, please. I'm so tired of crying, bleeding and dreaming. I want to get out. I need to get out." Sobbing silently to himself he pulled a small hand mirror from his tattered pocket and croaked "James Potter" into it.

A/N hey, I honestly don't know where this came from, it's so angsty! Sorry there's such a big gap between chapter 1 and 2, it will be filled gradually with flashbacks and suchlike in later chapters. Please review, I appreciate any feedback, good or bad. 


	2. Can't Stand Me Now

Can't Stand Me Now 

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. All characters you recognise from the Harry Potter books belong to the most esteemed J.K. Rowling. The song Sirius sings is Can't Stand Me Now by Libertines, WORSHIP IT & LISTEN TO IT CONSTANTLY FOR IT IS NOW YOUR GOD.

**A/N:** I've had writers block for a long time (as you might have guessed) but I was inspired by Carl Barat (The Libertines) and Pete Doherty (formerly of The Libertines but now of Babyshambles), you should listen to their music, it rocks, anyway, in my story I've kind of based Sirius on Pete and James on Carl. They rock! Peace.

Sirius watched the empty mirror in growing irritation. What was taking him so long?

Finally the annoyed and tired face of his best friend appeared in the mirror only to say: "Fuck off Sirius, I thought I made it clear that you were to stay away from Rem, Pete and I until you're clean." And with that Sirius' last hope vanished. Tears fell silently down his pallid face and he fell to his knees in despair. Everything he did led to people loathing him: expressing his own opinions; being sorted into Gryffindor and pranking Snape by telling him where Remus went every month – it was all his own stupid fault. His friends had forgiven him for betraying them as they understood he had only done it because he was stoned, however they were refusing to talk to him until he went into rehab and got clean.

After he had told Snape, Sirius had been sent off by Dumbledore to a rehab centre, however he had found it impossible to stop taking what had been keeping him going for the past six years and so he had left after just three days.

With yet another sigh, Sirius realised that he really did deserve everything his family was doing to him if he couldn't do one simple thing (like getting clean) for his friends.

Tiredly he began murmuring the lyrics to a song he had made up long ago:

"An ending fitting for the start

You twisted and tore our love apart

Your light fingers through the dark

Shattered the lamp into darkness, they cast us all

No, you've got it the wrong way round

You shut me up, and blamed it on the brown"

Cornered the boy, kicked out at the world

The world kicked back a lot fucking harder now"

The first four lines of the song he had tried to write from his 'friends' point of view, whereas the second four lines expressed his feelings perfectly – he really did feel totally cornered now.

Knowing his father would be back soon, Sirius slowly pulled himself to his feet and began to hobble unsteadily towards the stairs leading out of the kitchen. He had just managed to climb approximately half way up the hard stone steps when a dark shadow appeared at the top of the staircase.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going you whore?" a voice growled menacingly from the gloom. Already unsteady in his half-conscious state Sirius jumped in shock at the voice and fell backwards down the steps, cracking his head on the bottom step and hearing an unpleasant crunch as his arm was bent backwards underneath his body as he lay panting in shock on the floor.

Cruel laughter resonated around the kitchen and Sirius slowly pulled himself up into a sitting position, trying not to use his left arm which was bent at an unpleasant angle and feeling blood trickle slowly down his forehead, matting his already blood-caked hair.

His father descended out of the shadows and approached his young offspring, a pitiless smirk playing on his lips.

**A/N:** kind of a cliffhanger, more I couldn't be bothered to write any more, I'll try and update soon, I should be able to now I have inspiration. Woo! Peace.


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